


In Another World With Imaginary Friends

by braincraft



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica, この素晴らしい世界に祝福を! | KonoSuba: God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! - All Media Types
Genre: Crossover, Isekai, Not porn, Self-Insert, Shitposty, unsafe insane nonconsensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:46:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braincraft/pseuds/braincraft
Summary: After a chance encounter with Truck-kun, your hero is transported to a strange new world full of strangely familiar denizens.
Kudos: 4





	In Another World With Imaginary Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Strong language, references to sexuality.

I’ve never been a hero. Sure, I’ve helped people out. More than most, probably. But it was always the helping people move kind of help, nothing visceral or risky. So it surprised me when I found my body moving into action when the truck was bearing down on the old lady crossing the street.  
  
The light was red, buddy. This is all your fault. You got us all into this situation.  
  
The world slowed for me, and while springing into action I had the opportunity to regret my decision. There was just barely enough time to push the old lady out of the way, but no chance of getting out of the path of the speeding vehicle once I’d put myself in it. In retrospect, it was a stupid idea; she was old and near death, and she’d probably break her hip getting pushed anyway. Too late, though, I’d already built up too much momentum to stop myself. I was going to die. Here lies some dumbass, killed by jumping in front of a truck.  
  
Then I tripped on something and fell flat on my face.  
  
The eighteen-wheeler flew by me, less than an inch away from my head, at greater speed than seemed necessary for an intersection in a residential area. There was a wet crunch as it blew through the geriatric pedestrian, and the squeal of brakes and the screeching of metal as the trailer jackknifed into the front of a barbershop.  
  
“Don’t kill yourself, kuu! Your help is needed to save the world, kuu!”  
  
I looked up at the source of the overly cutesy voice. I stared, because that’s what you do the first time you see a pokemon in real life. Not that I had any idea whether it was a pokemon or a digimon or a Yu-Gu-Oh. I only watched mature animes for adults, like Cowboy Bebop and Naruto.  
  
It was like a cat, but with the sliders messed up. The ears and eyes and head were too big and round, the body too small, and the limbs too fat and stubby. It was white and furry and floated above me. It spoke with a cotton candy voice.  
  
“Holy shit, that granny got wrecked, kuu! That’s her leg, kuu!”  
  
Bits of old lady were smeared in the truck’s wake. A spray of crimson ran up the twisted metal of her walker, thrown to the sidewalk. The side of the truck advertised Only the Freshest Produce.  
  
The little gremlin threw up right next to me and I barely dodged the splash. “GERO! Kuu...”  
  
I got to my feet and looked around. There were other people, but they were all looking at the crash and not at the antigravity cryptid.  
  
“Nobody but you can see me, kuu!” the creature said. “I’m your magical guide, kuu!”  
  
I ran my hand along my head. It didn’t feel like my skull had been clipped by a truck, but traumatic brain injury was more likely an explanation than invisible flying cat-things.  
  
“My name is Kuuta, kuu!”  
  
“Your name is Cooter?”  
  
“Kuuta is Kuuta, kuu!”  
  
I was not prepared for this level of fuckery so early in the morning. I turned around and headed home. I’d be better equipped to deal after a nap and maybe some whiskey.  
  
“Bibbidy babbidy KUU!”  
  
Suddenly it was night. And nothing else seemed to have changed. I checked my phone. It was after midnight. Did this hairball just send me eighteen hours into the future? No, wait, six hours into the past. Would meeting myself cause the universe to explode?  
  
“Welcome to the magical world, kuu! It’s very different from the world you’re used to, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.”  
  
“This is my house,” I said. I put my key in the lock and opened the front door. “My key works in the door.”  
  
“Very mysterious, kuu,” said Cooter.  
  
I went up to my room and flipped on the light. I was sure I still had some single malt somewhere I’d been saving for a particularly trying day. I was interrupted by the presence of an armored blonde woman who had apparently been waiting in the dark before I’d gotten there.  
  
“I ask of you… are you my master?”  
  
I elected to follow the Ghostbusters rule. “... yes.”  
  
Homegirl suddenly drew _a fucking sword_ , set it point down, and knelt before me.  
  
“I am your faithful Servant, Berserker. Henceforth, your fate is my fate. I shall follow any order.”  
  
“Stop stabbing my floor.”  
  
She smoothly sheathed her sword at her hip, but remained kneeling. “ _Any_ order, Master. Even the weird stuff. You can pee in my mouth if you don’t believe me.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“If I have offended thee, you may punish me in whatever way you see fit. Spankings, humiliation, anything goes. I shall not complain.”  
  
“Get out of my house.”  
  
“This denial play is very advanced, my Master. I think I’m into it.”  
  
“This is your magical Servant, kuu. I gave you one to protect you while you save the world!”  
  
I searched my closet for that bottle. “And how, exactly, am I supposed to do anything like that?”  
  
Cooter and Berserker answered at the same time, which made both hard to follow.  
  
“It’s your destiny to-”  
  
“You have the right to do anything to me-”  
  
“No, wait,” I interrupted. I pointed at Berserker. “You, shut up.” She did. I looked to Cooter. “Continue.”  
  
“The Great Will of the Cosmos has chosen you to-”  
  
“Anything at all, no matter how terrible, and I will bear it-”  
  
I threw my hands up. Right, she can’t see or hear the mascot character either, then. “Forget it.” The bottle was empty, so I was going to have to go back out to get liquor.  
  
As I shrugged my jacket back on and headed towards the door, my two magical sidekicks followed me. “Nope. You stay here and watch the house. I need some time to myself to think about this mess.”  
  
I trudged through the early morning darkness to an all-night grocery I knew sold booze. Was this how you found out you were an alcoholic? Assuming that the invisible mutant cat was a magical familiar and not an elaborate hallucination, how did I feel about magic being real? Assuming that the girl in my room was a knight and not a cosplaying pervert, how did I feel about having a magical bodyguard? I was too damn sober to deal with these sorts of major life changes.  
  
I was so lost in thought I almost literally bumped into another weirdo.  
  
She was short and trim, with a voluminous high ponytail of red hair. She was dressed like she was going to a ball and a rave and didn’t want to change inbetween. She was munching on a twizzler and didn’t seem to think much of standing in someone’s way.  
  
“So you’re the one,” she said, candy rope waggling in the corner of her mouth. “Not much to look at.”  
  
I blinked. “Can I help you?”  
  
“No, I can help myself.” With a blur, she vanished, and I heard her voice from close behind. “Nothing personal, kid.”  
  
“LEEEEEEROOOOYYYYYY!”  
  
With a war cry, Berserker dropped out of nowhere and smashed her sword into the pavement behind me, crushing it into gravel that peppered me hard enough to sting through my clothes. The ginger leapt away, now holding a spear. Cooter floated around nearby, giving a cheeky little wave but mercifully remaining silent.  
  
“Tch. I was hoping I could finish this before another one of us showed up.”  
  
Berserker leveled the point of her sword at the new girl. “I am Berserker, faithful Servant and knight. Whom do I have the honor of facing in battle?”  
  
“Oh, you’re one of those, then. I’m Lancer, and I’m just here to gank the nerd. Stay out of my way and we won’t have beef.”  
  
“I cannot do that. I am sworn to my Master’s service, his sword and shield. All who stand against him must contend with-”  
  
“Geez, I get it already. Just fight.”  
  
They did.  
  
The two warriors met in a clash of steel and sparks. They moved so quickly that they were only a blur to the naked eye, stroke and counterstroke one after another with such power that the wind screamed around them.  
  
Gradually, Lancer began to gain the measure of her opponent, her dodges becoming more compact until she was neatly sidestepping each blow.  
  
Then she stopped moving altogether, standing stock still but projecting a distinctly unamused demeanor.  
  
Berserker continued to swing wildly, missing Lancer so narrowly that her candy-apple hair was disturbed by the wake of her blade, but never actually making contact.  
  
**AGILITY: E**  
  
Lancer growled, “Are you making fun of me?”  
  
A lattice of diamond-shaped chains suddenly appeared around Berserker and bound her. She struggled but didn’t break free. Her cries sounded a little less distressed than you’d have expected, considering.  
  
Lancer set her spear. “Eat this!” With a flash of light, she drove it into Berserker’s chest.  
  
“Harder, Daddy!” she cried. The tip hadn’t penetrated her breastplate.  
  
“Quit fucking around!” Lancer swung her weapon around, striking Berserker across the face with the wide flat of her spearhead hard enough to snap her head to the side and make her cry out.  
  
“HYAAAAN!” Berserker’s knees trembled. Her face was flushed, her breathing heavy.  
  
Lancer backed up a few steps. “Did you… just come from getting slapped in the face?”  
  
“I’ll never give in! No matter how hard you hit me in my vulnerable areas!” Berserker shifted a little in her bonds. “You can make this a little tighter.”  
  
Lancer looked defeated. “Fuck this shit, I’m out. Bitch be crazy.” In a single bound, she leaped over the houses on the other side of the street, the chains disappearing as she did.  
  
The moment after someone tries to kill you is always awkward. Cooter hummed the Final Fantasy victory theme, but I was getting used to ignoring him.  
  
“Thanks, Berserker. You really saved my bacon there.”  
  
“Of course, my Master. It is my duty to protect and serve you.” She seemed a little disappointed that she wouldn’t be getting smashed up, but she put on a stiff upper lip.  
  
I thought about it. She was a freak, but she deserved a treat. “Shut your whore mouth, you… you slattern. You’ll be getting a spanking later.”  
  
Berserker’s face lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning.  
  
“Master! I’m so happy!”  
  
Berserker flew towards me, arms spread wide to embrace me. She moved with the swiftness and vigor of a great cat, her form empowered by the force of her legend.  
  
She hit me like a load of bricks shot from a cannon. My bones shattered, my organs ruptured. I spit blood from my mouth in the traditional manner to indicate severe injury.  
  
“Whoops.”  
  
“Dammit, kuu! There goes another one!”  
  
As the world faded away, I reflected that her love truly was like a truck.  
  
**BAD END**


End file.
